Letters to Lucas

Dear Lucas,

On a day like today, you were supposed to burst into our lives. Today would have been one of the happiest days for your Mom and I. If all went well, you would have been delivered at the same hospital where your Mom was born. Knowing what we know, things do not always go the way we want them to go, but with the loving support of family and friends, we would adapt to the changes as we went along.

As our first-born, you would keep us up all night when you cried, when you were hungry, when you needed your diaper changed. Your Mom and I would take shifts, but you would obviously need her more when you were hungry. Even with so many other things happening in our lives, you would always be a priority. I would wear my tired eyes with pride.

However, you would also be the reason why we would live to be better people: to ensure that you were safe, healthy and happy. Your milestones would always bring joy to our hearts. You would never be alone because there is always someone in the family to welcome you with open arms.

But these experiences were not meant to be realized in your lifetime, little Lucas. You have gone ahead of us to a place where there is no pain nor grief. And I hope you are happy there.

Today, you would have shared a birthday with your Aunty Zee. While she might not be able to look out for you now as you share this common bond, I hope you can do the same for her from where you are.

Happy heavenly birthday, LJ.

Love, Dad

Dear New-Phew,

I just wanted to let you know you’re still on your auntie’s mind even though it looks like we’ve all moved on. I missed you especially yesterday (Sunday). You’d have been a church boy if you’d stayed on this side. Sorry, Nugget. So many Christians would have had you in Church every Sunday and Feast Day.

Today my boss told me she lost her niece in 2017 to ALL (that’s cancer) while she was training to be a cancer doctor. She says it still catches her off guard when she least expects it. She told me we will never get used to it. But that’s okay. We want to remember you. We will remember you, even if auntie is playing with other kids, daddy is busy intubating another baby or your mama is playing with the cat (your cat). We remember you, Nugget.

Again, if you had stayed with us I would have made you a Lord of the Rings super fan, like me. They made a new series, so I was listening to the old tunes from the movies. This song caught me off guard (like my boss said) and it made me sad. Before this, the song had no meaning. But sadly it does now because it reminds me of you. So this one is for you, Nugget. You’ve gone and claimed a favorite song of mine. I love you forever, I will remember you always.

Auntie G

Dear Lucas,

I remember how happy I was when I found out your parents were pregnant. We were all so excited to see them in action. I dove right into packing up all of Xander’s clothes, toys and random baby stuff which Grandma and Grandpa took to Jamaica. Family and friends shared in the moment of finding out you were a baby boy. Your parents were so excited, I’m sure trying to picture what your smile would look like and what personality traits you would inherit from them.

On the day you left us, your Mom, Grandma and I were joking around on Facetime, talking about preparations for your room and renovations to come. When she asked me if I always felt movements when I was pregnant; I reassured her there were times that I did not. She called me later that day with the devastating news that there was no heartbeat on ultrasound. That pain really cannot be put into words.

Your parents then embarked on gearing up for delivery and let me tell you, you would be proud how brave and strong they were during those dark times. I am still in awe at how they have handled this journey.

I will never forget the picture of your sweet face and the happiness you gave your parents during your time with us. You’ll be forever loved and remembered.

God bless.

Aunty Zee

Dear Baby Lucas,

I remember that Friday… Your Uncle J and I took your cousins to a festival in town. I was with Ari (your oldest cousin), watching her ride go-carts. Across the street was Uncle J and Emi (your 5, going-on-15 year old cousin). Uncle J had a look on his face that I knew… something was wrong. He showed me your message. Immediately, I told him “It’s not true”, I told him to be optimistic, they will find your tiny heartbeat.

Then your daddy confirmed that you had crossed the river. I still didn’t believe that it was true. Uncle J went to sit in the car, he doesn’t cry much, but he cried for you. He cried for your mommy and daddy.

Driving home, he told your cousins that you went to heaven. Emi did not understand, but Ari got angry. In an irate voice she asked, “ Why did God give Auntie Z a baby and then take it back?” We didn’t have an answer. So she kept yelling, “Tell me why?” We still didn’t have an answer.

That night we went to sleep without eating or taking baths. We were sad, angry and in disbelief.

Saturday morning rolled around, I called your mommy and daddy, still doubting that Friday happened. Her radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes was not there. Your dad barely said a word, he barely looked at the camera. At that point, it became a reality… You were in Heaven.

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t begin to understand what they were feeling. I told your mom a Bible verse that I repeated to myself when the future was uncertain. But she and your dad were numb.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I cried my eyes out. It wasn’t fair. Your mom and dad are some of the kindest, generous and humble people I know. They deserved to have you to hold.

Emi said that she was sad she didn’t get to play with you. She remembers you when you were in your mommy’s belly. We told her she could play with you when she gets to heaven.

When I looked at your face, you were so beautiful. And if your heart was like your mommy and daddy, chances are you were too beautiful for this world.

Rest in peace, baby Lucas.

Auntie K

Dear Lucas,

It was a joy and great sense of internal happiness when I learnt of your conception. Grandma Zulie and I were so happy to hear the news. This was news that we waited to hear for over six years! We were over-joyed. However, given our usual modest and conservative nature, we did not shout and create excitement on the mountain top, but that excitement was bubbling inside.

We were particularly happy because we know how much Grandpa A and Grandma L were longing for a grandchild. Oh boy, were they happy to hear. You would have been their first grandchild. The news of your conception was the best thing that could happen to both sets of
grandparents. Your mom and dad wanted to relocate to a more upscale apartment to accommodate you. You were special to us because you would have been the only grandchild that would grace our home in
infancy. We managed to convince your parents to stay by us so that you could be close to us. Your dad graciously agreed. Hence, Grandma Z, your parents, and I decided on the big picture in terms of the modification to the house. You were going to be in the “Front Front Room” and so we decided to have it air-conditioned. Grandma Z put her project management skills to work by deciding the work breakdown structure, the logical sequencing of the activities and monitored their execution
like a hawk. She wanted everything to be in place before September and, as a result, great progress was made. We were almost ready for you.

We learnt later that similar plans were being made by Grandpa A and Grandma L for your arrival in their home. You were going to be in Auntie G’s old room and, even though that would have been a year from now, plans were put in place early. You were loved. Everyone wanted the opportunity to buy something for you. That includes the Trinidad family, your aunties, uncles, and family friends. We could not convince Great Auntie Zo not to buy the set of your feeding bottles and accessories. You were loved. You were so important to your family and their friends that everyone wanted to be a part of your life. The last set of purchases were made by Auntie G. She taught about everything and made sure she bought the best.

You must know that your gestation gave purpose to our lives, especially for Grandma Z and I, since we are retired. We were going to take you to the park and push you in a stroller. All our walking friends would come to know you and take an interest in your development. I was going to
give you “joie horsie”, “mountain peak”, and start teaching you advanced things from very early as I did not have that opportunity with your cousins.

You had very loving and caring parents. Your father would make sure that you are technology savvy from early and that you have the best. Your mother would ensure that you love nature and animals, especially cats. She would teach you kindness and to give away what you do not have! Your mother would make sure that have variable experiences. You would have a calm and unflustered disposition like your father. You would learn to handle difficult situations with a calm and steady hand. Your Grandpa A would make sure you have good moral values to guide you throughout life. You would have been a blessing to humanity.

But the Good Lord, in his greater wisdom, had a different plan. Your mother is a very observant woman and pays attention to every detail regarding your development. On Friday, August 26th, your mom told us that she did not feel much movement from early in the morning. She subsequently did her own test and later that evening the news of your
departure was confirmed. You would never understand the grief and sorrow that your departure has caused the family. I feel your loss to my very bone. I was remined that your mother said a few days earlier that she was looking forward to the thrill of holding you in her hands in four weeks. I cannot help breaking down and crying every time I am alone and see a picture of your father holding you in his arms. It pains to my heart and is a bitter pill to swallow. A void has been created in our family. This loss is deep and painful. Words cannot express our pain. We had so many expectations, so much hope, so many plans, so many dreams. I started and stopped writing this letter so many times as I am overcome with grief.

At times we are tempted to ask, “Why us?” Could this cup not have passed from our family. Have we done anything wrong unknowingly? But we are reminded that these are some of the painful things that happen to average human beings every day. We only fully understand it when we experience it ourselves.

However, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.” As Christians, we live in the hope that there is an existence beyond this mortal life. We are consoled by our faith that we will get to meet you some day.

May the Lord bless you and keep you, make His Face shine upon you and give you peace wherever you are.

Love you forever.

Grandpa Regie

Dear LJ,

I knew you in the womb and thanked God for answering my prayer for your conception.

I heard every moment of your growth. Your mom shared every detail about the nausea and bad feelings you caused her during first trimester.

You continued to grow with small challenges here and there, but we never gave up hope that you would finish the journey. I felt your movements and also watched them. Your mom was aware of your waking hours. During that time she would talk to you and let us know that you were awake and active.

Just before your departure, I heard mom saying and looking forward to the thrill of holding you in her arms in 4 weeks time. That dreaded day, 26th August, was a day of shock and reality. Your mom is very observant as she got very concerned about your movements. She quickly retrieved the Doppler to use on her stomach to help find your heart beat. We know the rest…

LJ, you know how much we loved you and prayed daily to God “to deliver a normal healthy baby”. My brother and sisters and grandpa can testify to this request which was heard consistently. Words cannot express my deep love for you and how much I was looking forward to your birth.

LJ, my greatest consolation is that you are in heaven among God’s treasured people and I hope to meet you one day after my own passing.

Love always,

Grandma Zulie

Today, you were finally laid to rest, in the company of close family and friends. Your exit was as quiet as your entry into this world. I hope you find company with the other angels you are joining up in Heaven.

I’ll leave here a transcript of what your grandpa said about you today…

We all know why we’re here: to commend to Almighty God, our dear Lucas, who as we see on the front cover… “born silent, perfect and beautiful, forever leaving footprints in our hearts.”

I don’t want this occasion to go by without trying to make sense of what happened. In times like these, we turn to Him, who knows all things, and who seeks to bring knowledge to bear on our hearts and lives. In the the second reading for today, Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of Heaven. That is the very core of the message of Jesus. His entire life was about coming to establish God’s Kingdom; to establish God’s reign on earth. One of the great theologians of the Church, William Barkley, describes the Kingdom of God as that reality which is created when human beings do the Will of God as perfectly as it is done in Heaven. In the Lord’s Prayer, our Savior taught us to pray, “Your Kingdom come, on earth, as it is in Heaven.” However, we know the problem: we are imperfect people. How can we do the Will of God perfectly? How can perfection be achieved by imperfect people? But we also remember that the Savior said that the Kingdom of God has come and is in our midst (and He is referring to Himself). He, the perfect one, came into our imperfect world, and invites us to bring about God’s Kingdom. As much as people try to achieve this in their corner of the world, then that reality is evident. Whatever we call reality today is a direct reflection of whether God’s Will is being done. We must keep trying for that perfection that is found in Christ. Our Saviour challenges us to “Be perfect, just as your Father in Heaven is perfect.”

As we come into the presence of our dear Lucas, who came into the world silently, he came into our reality, born with all the potential of what his life might have held, and was not touched by imperfection. We know that Lucas would have grown up in a family that really loved him and given him the best opportunity of growing up, as evidenced in the life of his parents, close family and loved ones. But that was not meant to be. What has happened here is that God’s perfection, as possessed by Lucas, returns to God. “Unless you become like a child, you shall never enter…” Sometimes we say that a child has to mature into something else. That’s why we work so hard to make sure our children are well-educated, but Jesus has turned that around, not in material possessions or academic achievements. He wants us to go back to the honesty, humility and pureness of heart of a child. We will never be able to do God’s Will, as God intended it, unless we return to that state. Lucas did not have to go back there; he was there, he was perfection. He goes back to God. The challenge is for us to somehow take on his humility, sinlessness, and pureness of heart, that we may one day go where he is.

In the first reading, from the book of Revelation, the evangelist John speaks about a great multitude in Heaven. From verse 11, “All the angels stood around the throne and elders and the four living creatures. And they fell on their faces before the throne worshipping God saying, ‘Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever. Amen!’.” That’s the song of the Angels, a song of the pure-in-heart and the perfect. When we normally read this lesson at funerals, it is for an adult who we hope will one day join in this cloud of witnesses. What we don’t think about are the angels who are there leading the worship of God. I wish to submit that, among the angels singing God’s praises in Heaven, there will be numbered one more today: Lucas James. Hopefully, we will be in the great cloud of witnesses one day, but Lucas is in the company of the angels, who was not touched by sin or imperfection.

We cannot change what has happened. It is the truth. Lucas died before he came into the world. But Lucas is now in the presence of God. He is one of God’s angels. Right now, it’s difficult to say that we celebrate Lucas’ going, but one day we will be able to say that we celebrate Lucas’ presence among the angels of God.

Today, we let him go. Remember the promise made by Jesus: “I am with you always”. There is nothing that we cannot do without Christ. The presence of Christ will not erase Lucas’ memory but make it easier for us to go on. As much as we would love him to be with us, Lucas is in the Hands of God, and those are good hands to be in.

Rest eternal grant onto him. And may light perpetual shine upon him.

+Grandpa

The following was sent by your Auntie G.

Dear LJ,

Full disclosure: When I heard your mama was pregnant I was rooting for a girl! Then, I was told you would be a baby boy, so I had to readjust my thoughts. I thought of the amazing person your papa is, so I was excited to see his “mini-me”… keeping in mind, you’d know how to swim and run through the bushes like your mama. All of that to say: you were our “Baby Boy” and we were proud. [Still are.]

Grandma bought you a $50 teddy bear and walked around the store with it proudly. She was in a bookstore, and she bought you a bear! I had to tell her she must get you a book in a bookstore (duh!). She took 15 minutes to make up her mind. One had too many pictures, not enough story. The other had too many words, not enough pictures. Grandpapa was patient. I rolled my eyes. We got you “Cordoroy”, your aunt’s favourite kiddie book. Where is grandpapa in this story? Paying for everything and being supportive.

The day you decided to fly away I lost my work ID. All I could think was, “What a God-awful day!” When your parents said you weren’t being feisty anymore, I truly realized how awful the day really was. I trust your mama. If you farted in there, she’d know! In medical world, we call her a good historian. I called my papa (your grandpapa) and begged him to pray you back to life. I begged him to please make God bring back Baby Boy (that’s you…). We tried, Nugget, but you were already on your way.

I hurt because the people I love hurt. I don’t worry about you because you have some amazing people up there with you. Just on your papa’s side you have some great grandparents, and great uncles and great auntie. Pro tip 1 – Dada has a donkey, so maybe if he’s up for it, he will take you for a ride. Pro tip 2 – Auntie Rose is the closest to your papa in temperament (big word for personality). Pro tip 3 – Uncle James Jr is your grandmama’s littlest bro; he flew away young, too. Your great grandmas are cool, too. The one we call Margaret is scary-strict, but she is alright.

Like I said, you will be okay. You are okay. Just put in a good word with the Big Boss to look out especially for your mama and papa. I will do my best on my end. I feel incredibly blessed to be your aunt. I love you Boy Baby Lucas.

Auntie G

My dearest LJ,

This morning was difficult, to say the absolute least. We were running a little late, but we picked up your Dad’s parents and met my parents at the chapel for morning mass.

Today’s service touched me deeply. Reverend emphasized that we plan for life to go positively, and we’re not always prepared for failure or disappointment when it hits. You were not a failure, but we were definitely sad that you will never be able to experience the life we had planned out for you. The Potter’s Clay was highlighted – a parable about being able to go back to God, when we’ve been “chipped” and “worn down” from the struggles of life, so that our Creator could mold and restore us.

I definitely feel like a “chipped” piece of clay after enduring this past week. I only got to hold you for a short time before they had to take you away. Sometimes it feels as though I was never pregnant with you for 8.5 months because you’re no longer physically with us. It really hurts because I don’t want to forget you. I know that over time, the “chipped” and imperfect feelings will fade away, as I’m remolded by Our Creator, to accept what has taken place.

I confess that I cried midway through church, but only if someone was paying keen attention could they notice behind my mask. Only 2 weeks ago we were blissfully happy and taking pictures by the lilly pond adjacent to the chapel with you being my baby bump. I felt triggered when I saw a little girl wearing a cute frilly dress and I wondered if I would ever have the joy of actually being a parent.

I was grateful when mass was over because I was hot, thirsty and my mask was wet from tears. After exiting the building, I held your grandma’s hand and walked with her to the lilly pond. She had never noticed this area before. We marvelled at the beauty of the flowers and the life within the pond.

LJ, I know you’re all around us… in all of God’s beauty, and I hope to be remolded in time, to heal and find my inner peace.

Love, Mom